Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
ZSH Aug. 2014
So my wife posed a question last night that left me unsure of how I might proceed in the future... so I thought I'd come here for some advise. We left TSCC [this so called church] a year ago and have never been happier.
We have pretty much dropped every aspect of religion all together (even though she still believes in Jesus Christ and a God, and I find myself leaning towards not believing in a supreme being at all). Then last night she talked about her friend (who left TSCC around the same time we did) attending a christian church and how much she enjoyed it. My wife said she would like to attend that church or maybe a similar christian church one of these days. I kind of nodded my head in agreement but am not really sure I want to.
I don't know if I am still suffering from PTSD or if I honestly just don't want to attend any more religious gatherings. I think I'm afraid of falling into the same lies that the mormon church entangled me in for so many years. I will support my wife in whatever she decides to do... but I think I need to decide where I stand first. Any Advice?
squeebee
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Suggest going to a Universalist Unitarian meeting, it will likely give her the friends and feeling of belonging she's missing without really introducing any hard religiousness. Look it up, you'll see it's pretty much church for atheists.
Interested observer
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
I’m quite sure you have nothing to fear from a genuine Christian church, they make no demands on anyone’s time and have no interest in your money. Any monies given to a Christian church are, or certainly should be, ‘free will’ offerings meaning exactly that, a freely given donation to support the work of the church.
My advice to you is quite simple, leave her to find out in her own time just how genuine this church is, why not go with her for a while, there will certainly be no pressure on you to continue going if you have doubts and you never know, you might find genuine friends there, not the fair weather variety found in Mormonism
It might also be worth remembering that contrary to doctrine espoused by the cult, the unbelieving spouse and children of a believing Christian is accepted by God (1 Corinthians 7:14) so no worries there.
Good luck to you and your wife J
Elder What's-his-face
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Christian worship is generally more uplifting.
Mormonism has a strange effect on believers, usually turning them against their maker (if there is one).
Besides, if worshipping Christ makes your wife happy, why not?
ziller
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Go to church where she wants to go.
Happy wife = Happy life
ladell
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Until you begin to resent the fact that she always gets her way. Both sides need to compromise. How about just giving her your honest opinion?
Heresy
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Briefly attending a couple of churches helped me a lot to move from agnostic to atheist. Everyone needs to know what they are rejecting.
I know lots of people who attend church without their spouse. You might just warn her of that likely outcome. Church should be about her and her God, not about them and you as a threesome. Only Mormons do it that way.
anon1234
Friends/Quakers
Other option is a socially conscious religious community like Friends.
Or look for some other organizations to support by participation, such as docents for a local park or historic site, volunteers for organizations such a community theater, or local con (group focus on getting people together for a topic).
Personally, local con (aka comic con like group for things like sci fi, romance, etc) are good communities.
jazzskeeter
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
You might Give it a shot. I found a truly open-armed, non-judgmental congregation of United Church of Christ. The pastor never preaches hellfire and damnation. She interprets scriptures in ways that make you think, and become a better person.
There is no obligation to attend (as long as you don't sign up for anything). No obligation to give money. No obligation to donate time. And no obligation to BELIEVE.
I'm like you...I spent sooo much of myself in the Mormon church that I'm just plain DONE with anyone trying to lay claim on my time and talents!
And I also don't even believe in Jesus anymore. But sometimes it's fun to go to church. They've got some rockin music.
anymoo
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
You both need to be free to explore who you are and what you believe. The two of you don't need to attend church together, though it'd probably feel good for you guys to share the journey (at least to her).
Personally, I'd give it an honest try, the worst that happens is that you don't like it, but at least don't get in her way if she wants to attend.
I'd say that there are other denominations that use some tactics, but nothing quite so effective as the LDS church. And it's not so much geared towards one specific denomination, but more towards christianity in general (Christ wants you to folow him).
The fact that you know what you're looking for now makes you less susceptible.
Good luck!
Greyfort
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
If she has a friend there, then she could attend with her friend. You can be supportive, but be honest and just let her know that you're really not interested in attending yourself. Just be honest.
rt
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Why not? There's a social aspect to attending church too. Only watch out that you don't get caught in a Mormonism-like racket again. I know from experience that the vulnerability remains for quite some time...
ZSH
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Thanks guys for the feedback, some of you made some great points that I will consider. It sounds as though many churches are really glad you are attending and they leave it at that. No crazy tactics that try to get you to join their club. I think I'll give it a try... but honestly, I have found that the most "spiritually uplifting" thing I can do on a Sunday afternoon is getting out into nature and hiking/biking/meditating in the peace of the forest.
Since leaving a year ago I made it a point of doing something as a family on Sundays and most of the time it was my wife and I and our son spending time outdoors hiking/picnicking/etc. Is there a nature oriented religion?
fossilman
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Eh, I'm a non believer and I occasionally attend a christian church with my wife. She's a nevermo, and has always felt like she needed to go. I'll have to say that I do enjoy the music more (though the lyrics are a bit over top for me), at least it's a rock band. Also, we meet in a movie theater, and have the really soft seats that rock back a forth which makes sleeping though the sermon so much easier.
adoylelb
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Most churches are happy to have people attend, and unlike the Mormon church, they tend to leave you alone if you decide to attend somewhere else, or not at all. You also have the freedom to chose which time to attend, as they have their service times displayed in front.
Lethbridge Reprobate
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
As long as she doesn't come home preaching another "y'all gotta be born again or yer goin' to hell" gawspel....no problem.
Ron Burr
excatholic
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
I've attended Catholic, United Methodist, Congregationalist, Unitarian Universalist churches and several Friends meeting (Quakers).
People here are misrepresenting what these churches want from members. They all need money to operate and they expect members and attenders to pony up. No,they don't blackmail you the way the LDS does, but there is plenty of pressure sooner or later to fork over money. The UMC we went to dedicated an entire month of Sundays to it. We used to call it Shakedown Sundays. They will want you to volunteer, too.
There is no reason why you need to go. If your wife is interested, she should be free to go. Plenty of people go without their spouse.
Church is profoundly boring. If you don't believe the superstition, you have better things to do with your time.
Richard Foxe
Nature "red in tooth and claw"?
Remember that we can consider nature relaxing and refreshing because we have killed off or contained all our predatory animals. (The "illusion" of primitive nature was created within America's National Parks from the beginning of the 20th century by ridding the parks of as many of the major predatory species as possible, in order to favor what were thought of as more "desirable" species.)
Hothouse nature is a human-manipulated phenomenon. Of course animism was an early form of worship--of the spirits behind nature--but these were often awesome and feared. The "sun-worshippers" did not seek to get a nice tan but rather cut out the hearts of sacrificial victims to appease the gods.
Titanic Survivor
She can attend. You don't have to.
You are not joined at the hip. You don't have to go to all the same places.There are lots of marriages in which the wife goes to church and the husband does not,though he might show up once a year (Christmas). As long as you support her in her choice you guys are doing good. She probably is fine with you doing what feels right for you. I can't imagine that she wants you to go unwillingly, out of personal sacrifice. When she does go to church she will find out that people do not have to go as couples to a normal church. Wife goes, husband is sleeping in working on his car. Perfectly normal. Nobody will raise an eyebrow at her.
Heretic 2
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Let her go to any church she wants to, but make it clear that you she can't require you to go with her.
summer
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Let her explore various mainstream churches if she feels so inclined. I would recommend that she check out the ELCA Lutherans, the Episcopalians, the Methodists, the Presbyterians, the UCC, the UUs, and others. She should attend a variety of churches to see which one or ones appeal. Tell her to not settle on one church too quickly, but to take her time. In mainstream Christianity, there will be no pressure on her to join a particular church, nor would there be any pressure on you to attend or join.
You have nothing to fear. If she joins a church, the demands will be very minimal compared to what you are used to.
rationalist01
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Lots of plain old Christian churches are completely different than Mormons. Usually a bunch of friends willing to welcome others. They'll probably still expect you to believe a god became his own son and killed himself so that you could be saved from some sort of onus you carry because a rib woman et an apple, though.
ipseego2
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
It seems his wife already has a church she'd like to go to with her friend, so there is not much need to suggest others, even if all suggestions here are good.
As to doing things as a family, there are Sunday afternoons and Saturdays, and there is the possibility of church every second Sunday.
Zeniff
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
This. And if I'd gone to church to make my wife happy, I'd be a friggin' Mormon right now. Don't get me wrong, I faithfully attend a non-LDS Christian church, but it sure as hell ain't to make my spouse happy. If OP doesn't want to go to church because he's traumatized by TSCC, I say don't go until he's ready. No need to rush.
michaelc1945
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
My wife and I left the church almost twenty years ago. Both of us had a spell of deity unbelief. Mine lasted for thirteen years and then I started going to a liturgical Christian church. My wife still struggles with her unbelief. Religious belief is personal and so I don't force my beliefs on my wife. I figure if she wants to believe or not that is her decision make not mine. Sometimes she comes to church with me and when she does she seems to enjoy it. She has met some nice people and none of them push church on her. Recovery is hard and we all have suffered at the hands of the LDS. She is healing and if she wishes to join the church I now attend, I'll be a happy husband. I'll be damned though if I will push my beliefs on her. She is too dear to me for me to bully her in such an important, personal issue as belief in God. I've lived with her now for forty-six years in both good and bad times, and I'll do my best not to screw up our relationship over church. If your wife wants to go to a Christian church let her go. If you want to join her, go. Just remember that both of you need to respect each other with regard to religious belief or unbelief.
Arwen
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Your situation is similar-ish to ours.
My hubby and I left the church together several months back. Whenever I've mentioned attending any other type of church, my hubby isn't interested.
I feel no type of control over whether he goes to church with me or not. :) I figure it's his journey and his right to think & feel how he does. I feel that VERY strongly, especially since leaving the church. I really only ever cared before as a Mormon because of the fear that we won't be an eternal family if we don't follow all the millions of Mormon teachings. So, I don't feel worried like before and fully support & respect him to do WHATEVER feels right for him.
Your wife might want you to go with her, but perhaps it would just be to have one of her most important & favorite people (you) to support her in a new environment where she might feel a little uncomfortable and she's exploring something completely new & foreign to her...with no belief strings attached for you to belief in it.
I do suggest being clear about your feelings, though. She's probably under the impression you're totally fine with it based off your response...and that will likely end up bothering her more than anything (the seeming to be okay with it when you really aren't).
verilyverily
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
I think it won't hurt to go once anyway. Other churches are not the CULT. You will not have a ton of pressure to join it.
catnip
After resigning, I considered myself an atheist.
But my husband couldn't handle that. He is a very gentle, non-confrontative guy in most ways, but to him, it seems as obvious that there is a God as it was to the Colonial poet who wrote, "Creation pre-supposes a Creator." (I forget who that was, but I love the quote.)
So he kept nudging me to try different Protestant churches in the area. I would have preferred to sleep in on Sunday mornings, but marriage is about compromise, so I did attend several churches. We ended up in a liberal Presbyterian church - one very much like the one I grew up in. The minister is a brilliant young man who loves to approach things from different angles - a marvelous scholar - and I love to hear his sermons. They really make you think.
I'm not really much more of a believer than I was before, but I have a genuine appreciation of this little church, its degree of involvement in the community, its acceptance of everyone (including gay marriage) and the way it is so easy on the nerves. You dress the way you want, you contribute what you feel you can, and everyone is friendly. It is a COMMUNITY, and I am big on that. And DH enjoys it very much, too. So we have found a very comfortable compromise outside of Mormonism. It IS possible.
Lori C
You do what is right for you and let her do the same.
Paidinfull
Re: Not sure how to respond... wife wants to attend christian church
Wouldn't it be something if all churches were perfect reflections of love?
If you want to see where a church's heart is, look its charitable works. Does it support a food pantry or tutoring for low income kids, or does it only support itself or its own denomination? Does it do anything to help homeless people, or does it only "take care of our own"? Does it support or take missions outside of the country that build or staff schools & hospitals, or are its missions chiefly for proselytizing?
Whether you believe in Jesus or not, maybe you agree we have obligations to "the least of these" want a to find ways to "feed my sheep." This is a huge part of what a church should do.
Churches who look outside of themselves are in contrast to mormon wards.
"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"