Things my Mission Presidents said

xophor Nov. 2012

Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
I have a couple of quotes that stuck with me all these years, probably because I was a bit perturbed to hear them from "spiritual" leaders.

"Well, you know what they say: The looks of your eternal companion depend on how well you served as a missionary...and as far as I'm concerned, that means prettier."

(whips off glasses for effect)
--Howard K. Barlow

"blah, blah, blah...and I LOVE capitalism." (said with big grin and clenched fist)
--F. David Stanley

I suppose that's what you get when you put bizniz men in charge.

treehugger
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
Regarding the first quote: I heard someone say once that it's a "fact" (her words) that Mormons are prettier than non-Mormons, and this is so they can attract people to the church.

cheezus
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
What do you have to do to get a "demon in the sack"? I think that is how Grandpa Simpson described it.

Or it would be fun in retrospect to raise ones hand and ask the MP or GA saying that stuff about the possibilities of the future wife's prettiness, "prettiness is ok, but what do I need to do to get a wife who is into kinky sex?" Then wait for the rebuke. Or ask what you need to do for X. X = your list of sex perversions. That would probably shut them up on that topic.

sharapata
I have a few recollections of my own...
"This mission needs CLOSERS!" - exclaiming in Zone Conference when our pathetic baptismal numbers were released

"There are no dead areas Elder, just dead missionaries." - said to me when I told him the area was "dead" (ZERO interest from anyone).

I'd have to look in my journal for others, but these are two I can still think of almost 20 years later. Both from James R. Maddux, New York Life Insurance Million Dollar Round Table Salesman and Mission President, Illinois Chicago Mission, 1992-1995

joesmithsleftteste
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
Zelph was a righteous Lamanite... (I don't remember how it came up, but it did).

Crathes
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
"If this were a business, we would be bankrupt". Yup, 2nd MP said this. (First MP was one of the finest people I have ever known and still it, 35 years later).

I have litererall not spoken MP #2's name since I returned home in 1980. He is now dead and rotting in his grave. He did untold damage to many fine missionaries who just needed a little love and encouragement.

ozpoof
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
Oh, and here I was thinking it was Venezuelan transsexuals who were prettier.

Utah gals still beat the trannies in the plastic surgery race though. Funny how the Mormon beauties need a smaller nose and bigger tits.

ozpoof
Re: I have a few recollections of my own...
#2 sounds like a threat to me.

cheezus
Re: I have a few recollections of my own...
I think the dead missionaries line is an old unmotivational line designed to shame the missionaries into submission. I think I recall similar mumbling a from my MP around the same time in a large eastern Canadian provincial mission where we spoke French, Spanish, and English. My MP was a former marine though.

cheezus
My MP spoke of hemophiliacs and somehow tied it into the blood part of the atonement
What made this extremely funny was that around the same time, my way cool companion would burst out the ad for Legos (Zack, he's a Lego maniac) except that he would say "Zack, he's a hemophiliac!" My comp and I could not look at each other when MP said hemophiliac because we would have had Zack on our min and were ready to ask him about it.

smith
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
Elder Anderson was the area authority when I was a missionary in Brazil (He is now an Apostle), and he instructed the MPs that it doesn't matter whether converts stay active or not, but that is matters more on how many we baptize.
Fallen Moroni
Re: I have a few recollections of my own...
Sharapata,

I was in the Illinois Chicago mission from '93-'95 and remember President Maddux well. Perhaps you and I know each other? (I was in the Spanish-speaking program.)

xyz
ROTFLMFAO! 

mahonrynoname
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
Numbers are more important than SOULS, you can be converted later to the church, that is the truth, even if to count if you are active into the church if you go once a month you count like active (I was a former Branch President twice)

deconverted2010
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
"I don't know where and what times the church is running these ads because we get some weird messed up people".

I didn't serve a mission we had MPs speak at firesides or Stake Conferences. The MP said what he said while trying to encourage members to look for families, specifically good potential priesthood holders who were financially stable. My jaw dropped when I heard it but it was worse to hear all the chuckles from the audience. That was one of my first 'some leaders are jerks' moments.

brainfrees
wait! was this in Boise Idaho pre-split? I have some Stanley stories/memories.
He was pretty stern most of the time but he had a sense of humor. There was a "fad" during Stanley's time when the missionaries were growing long skinny sideburns like the kids on Beverly Hills 90210. The district leaders had the longest. I got warned in a president interview to cut mine off, I think the white handbook said they could go to the middle of the ear. So I cut them shorter only to have get irate at the next month's interview. "ELDER BRAINFREES! I TOLD YOU TO CUT THOSE OFF!" Scared a little I said I did. Then he smiled and said "good," as he slid his huge Franklin Planner over to the side so I could see his open pocket knife underneath. Then he started laughing.
NeverBeenaMormon
Re: wait! was this in Boise Idaho pre-split? I have some Stanley stories/memories.
This just reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Mr Burns keeps telling Don Mattingley to 'cut those sideburns'! - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lzpk5dMhVE4
brainfrees
omg. that's exactly how it was! except I stayed on the team for another 15 years :

sharapata
Yes, I too was a Spanish Elder from 92-94!
Perhaps we DO know each other! The "dead area" Maddux was referring to was the Chicago Heights Spanish area that was soon closed after I returned home.

sharapata
PS, I don't know about you, but I NEVER cared for Maddux...
...thought he was a total blowhard who really wasn't all that qualified to be a Mission President. Defininitely a legend in his own mind. But the feeling was mutual. I was definitely never one of his favorites, and he made it quite clear who his favorites were!

badseed
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
Crathes Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> "If this were a business, we would be bankrupt".

Well, maybe that's cuz the product yer selling is @#$%&. Ever think of that?

upsidedown
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
Most disgusting thing ever at a Zone Conference in SLC North Mission 85-87.

Pres. says to Elders that they need to be aware of single women in baptismal interviews when they have a large dog for a pet. Reasoning was that they were having sex/or oralsex with the dog.

Not joking. Im sure others in the mission can confirm this statement. I was horrified...didn't even know of such a thing at the time.

jackamormon
So what happens if...
your wife is absolutely, jaw-droppingly gorgeous, but

*she cheats on you
*gets pregnant with a baby that isn't yours
*abuses you and baby
*abandons you and said baby, leaving you as a single dad with a baby that isn't yours
*kicks puppies and straps them to the roof of her car
*bakes you bread with your initials engraved in it, but purposely puts ingredients in said bread that will induce vomiting and diarrhea
*maintains a TR despite all these things

Does that mean you still had a good mission? A better mission than your former companion who married a plain jane with a heart of gold and no talent in the kitchen?

Ponti
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
At 79 years of age, standing at 5'7, this brother of an apostle, could be seen pounding his fists on the podium in a spiritual tirade of righteous indignation:

"How is that your former MP only a few months ago saw 150 baptisms in this mission, and this month we only have 53. That is pathetic. I won't stand for these ridiculous results Elders. The Lord expects you to work from sun up to sun down, 9am to 9pm. There cannot be any loitering in the members homes as has been reported. If you are comfortable, you will be moved. Don't get comfortable...blah blah blah."

Ahem...AH.

confusedkim
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
I was also told that growing up. Wonder if that's all over the place or if we were in the same area. Anywho the bish told me when I was 16 that if I wanted a good husband than I had better dye my hair blonde and paint my nails pink. Sicko...

amberbockYu
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
"Sisters and Elders, we have a mission full of masturbators..." -Michigan Detroit Mission

sonoma
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
"If this were a business, we would be bankrupt".

...but since its a church, we're just MORALLY bankrupt.

sonoma
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
at least your mission had THAT going for it...

RedneckJoe
Yeah, "going" and coming that is.... 

Onmywayout . . . someday
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
One of my MPs was a multi-millionaire real estate agent from Burley, Idaho (from selling large ranches and farms). He was nuts. Here are few highlights:

- We were taught to show the picture of Jesus getting baptized in our initial contact (street, tracting, whatever) and invite people to be baptized (yes, during our initial contact). The vast majority people responded by looking at us like we were crazy or by saying that they had been baptized already. You can imagine the type of people that responded favorably to such an invitation. Our retention was absolutely dismal, but the MP could care less. He explicitly taught us that the quality of our baptisms was irrelevant. Quantity is all that mattered.

- He showed us Franklin planner motivational videos. He didn't even try to hide the fact that being a missionary is just like a sales job. He also said once that he wished he could fire underperforming missionaries like he fired underperforming sales agents in his real estate business. Mission leaders were taught to hold their zones and districts accountable on a nightly basis by "holding their feet to the fire" (i.e., if you didn't meet your daily minimum numbers, expect to be yelled at by your DL/ZL/AP).

- We had to wake up at 6am rather than 6:30. He also told us to pay 11% tithing in our exit interview.

- He instituted the following anti-masturbation rules: no sleeping in only garmies (we had to wear PJs), could not be alone in bathroom for more than 10 minutes at a time.

That's just a few that came to mind. I could tell a lot more . . .

ex
Re: I have a few recollections of my own...
"the area is weak!?, the $@#%@ area is weak?--YOU're weak!"
--(paraphrasing) Alec Baldwin in glengarry glen ross--classic!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCf46yHIzSo

Led Astray
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
That would have been the president just before Lloyd V Owen right? I got there just after he had left and always heard horror stories about how tough he was. He was most often quoted as saying "Satans got you by the balls elder."

AltaRica
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
First MP told us that we should only do service if it leads to a convert baptism. He also beat us over the head with what we called the "O" word (we were all so sick of hearing about "obedience" it became a tainted word). He told us a story of a man who was a disobedient missionary, and later felt like his life was cursed (evidently he was also cursed because he stopped wearing his garmies for a while).

In the first zone conference with MP #2, he went on and on about the operations of the church and referred to the ID-UT-AZ corridor as the "breadbasket of donation revenue" that supported the church nearly everywhere else in the world. IIRC, he said that California was just above break-even in terms of donations taken in and TSCC expenditures, and so the brethurn were very concerned about the state. (but it's not about money, right?)

stbleaving
Re: Things my Mission Presidents said in zone conference...
Wow. Just wow. That MP had some repression issues that were coming out in weird ways. Sounds like Satan had HIM by the balls.

"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"