Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness. (Adult with adult language)

Raptor Jesus Aug. 2012 (Some adult language)

My knee gave out over the weekend, and so I thought it would be a nice time to hole up with a "good book." Therefore, with ice, ibuprofen, and my brace, I re-read the Miracle of Forgiveness and will share my thoughts forthwith.

I would have preferred that this thread not be labeled as "adult." But that would be impossible when discussing the Miracle of Forgiveness. The book is full of sex. Naughty sex too. If you liked Fifty Shades of Grey - check this book out. The author can't go more than two pages without mentioning sex - even when the chapter is about LYING. He's obsessed. It's kind of creepy too because at the beginning of the book, there's this picture of him.

Old dude, staring at you with a hint of a smile. You look back at the picture and it's as if his old, shaky, disembodied voice is telling you, "I love talking about fucking."

Gross.

Anyway, the whole premise of the book is that you are a terrible person. And I don't care who YOU are - it covers that. You, no matter who - are such a Colossal fuckup - that it would be a literal MIRACLE if anyone ever forgave you.

Especially god.

You see. God. Hates. Sin. And YOU are a sinner. And while the book doesn't come right out and say that GOD HATES YOU. Well, he hates pretty much everything you've done and think about. So....

It might seem confusing, but I will walk you through it. God made you, in his image - but that image contains a disgusting, lazy, lying, gossiping, whore-mongering, faithless, useless sack of shitting Satan and "logic" lover.

And your goal is to take out all that yucky that god created you with so that you can be exactly like god. Yes, the book talks extensively about attaining godhood. That's the ultimate goal.

"The natural man is an enemy of god." Is a scripture that is quoted occasionally in the book. It is your job overcome that "naturalness" in order to become Super-Natural as god is. And unfortunately for us, humping is the most natural thing we can do. Unless, of course, it's same sex humping which is a "sin against nature." God, hates the natural man and the homosexual even though you'd think he'd appreciate the "unnaturalness" of it. But that's you using your "crafty logic" you goddamn sinner. Trust me. Sex is exactly like Karate. We learn it so that we never use it except for when appropriate. In the bedroom with our lawful spouses.

In case you are a complete dullard, the book goes into graphic detail about sexual sins so that you have NO excuse before god that what you did felt good, brought you no shame or guilt, but will condemn you for eternity. The book is also VERY clear about the natural consequences of breaking god's moral code:

"Among the most common sexual sins our young people commit are those of necking and petting. Not only do these improper relations often lead to fornication and abortions - both ugly sins - but in and of themselves the are pernicious evils, and it is often difficult for youth to distinguish where one ends and another begins."

If only I had heeded this counsel when I was a young youth. I can't recount how many times I was in the back seat of a car making out with some girl with "loose morals" when BAM!

ABORTION!

Like a thief in the night, abortion is skulking around every corner. Just waiting for you to let your guard down. And as youth - how can you tell? Did you simply make out with that lusty girl, or did you have an abortion?

Only confessing to a bishop will help clear up this tangled den of sexy Satanic snakes.

Another natural consequence of letting your abject Wontonness and pernicious incontinence run rampant (I wasn't sure what fried Chinese dumplings or pants wetting had to do with this) is Homosexuality and Bestiality. And it all starts with that seemingly innocuous act of "self abuse."

"For done in private, it [piddle diddles] evolves often into mutual masturbation - practiced with another person of the same sex - and thence into total homosexuality."

This particular sentence was so powerful and filled with such wisdom that it must be deconstructed thoroughly.

"For done in private" suggests that while evil, perhaps a slightly less evil masturbation would be one done in public. This would at least cut out the temptation that is explained immediately proceeding.

"evolves often into mutual masturbation" I must have been an even bigger pervert than the author because all my years of letting this sultry sin stain my spirit - I have NEVER engaged in this practice. Yet, he uses the word "often" as if he knows how rampant the practice is. Really KNOWS - almost from personal experience how one thing can lead to another. For again, "and thence into total homosexuality."

Either I was naturally more righteous or, more likely, more perverted than the author. Because my wicked wanking NEVER devolved into wontons filled with homosexuality and fried in the scalding vegetable oil of hell.

Because the author is SO sure that it does, I'll have to trust in his first hand experience with the matter.

Same with the swirling vortex of evil that homosexuality leads to bestiality. Again, the conviction of the author that once someone chooses to act on the temptation for same-sex sex that they can't help but fuck the family goat is so strong that I will defer to author's expertise.

He is an expert as well. As I have previously stated, the book goes into graphic detail about sex almost every page. The author has thought about this subject and been involved with it a lot. However, not once does the author mention how amazing it is to make sweet sweet non-condemned love to his wife. I guess it is implied at how often he talks about adultery, homosexuality, fornication, petting, "necking" (whatever the fuck that is. I guess something giraffes do.) that he loves the intimacy of HIS own wife MORE than he loves thinking about what everyone else is doing with their ding dongs and hoo haws.

Something else not mentioned very often or not at all in the book. Rape and pedophilia.

Rape is discussed from the victims point of view. Which, ACCORDING TO THE BOOK, you can only claim victimhood if you fought your hardest against the rapist - preferable to the point of death. Rapers are vaguely put in the same category as adulterers and given one sentence. Whereas pages and pages are devoted to people who think sexy thoughts, lie, murder, and don't treat their employees very well.

And pedophiles aren't mentioned whatsoever.

That MUST have been an editorial oversight. I mean, I can't really think of many things worse than rape and pedophilia. To be fair, the book doesn't go into much detail about war crimes. But I don't want to presume too much.

That would make me guilty of using "crafty logic." And I would simply hate to stand in front of god at the day of my judgment and have him proclaim, "I WOULD like to let you be with your family forever, but you THOUGHT too much, asshole. Away with you!"

dthenonreligious
"Sex is exactly like Karate"
Thanks for the laugh, Lord Raptor. I had outdoor Karate sex down by the river. No, it wasn't in a van with a Chris Farley impersonater. Though that might have made things more interesting.
Heidi GWOTR
OMG!!! Raptor, you are my Lord! 

Doxi
My review of YOUR review!
The Miracle of Forgiveness: Out of 5 stars, I give it minus 3.

♥ ♥ Raptor's review: Out of 5 stars, I give it 11.

bc
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
You are a way better god than the god that inspired that book.
blueorchid
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
Hysterically clever. Wow. This is useful information you have highlighted and interpreted. Any mormon parents wondering why their 14 year olds are asking for a pet sheep will no longer be in the dark and can get some ropes so their kids can tie their hands to the bedposts at night.

Seriously,I read Crime Against Nature and that was enough. I finally had enough points for a ticket out of the church. Luckily I could only afford the one-way ticket. I should have sent Spencer w. a thank you note. I am saving this post and it's going straight inside the front cover of my copy.

Once it has been defanged it is hysterical if you can forget for a moment how many people it has hurt.

jaredsotherbrother
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
Thank you RJ, I hereby swear before the bar of God to use the term pernicious incontinence at least once a day.

Innanamajesuskrisedotcom

onendagus
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
I think JS's quote about his neato book apply to the miracle of forgiveness: A man (or woman) can get nearer to suicide by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book.

As a side note: your commentary on the book caused my lungs to suffer much oxygen debt. The kids wanted to know if I was OK.

runtu
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
Excellent. That book is one of the worst things ever foisted on Mormons.
xyz
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
I think several quotes should be printed on the next edition's dust-cover:

"The book is full of sex. Naughty sex too. If you liked Fifty Shades of Grey - check this book out."

"And as youth - how can you tell? Did you simply make out with that lusty girl, or did you have an abortion?"

"... wontons filled with homosexuality and fried in the scalding vegetable oil of hell."

Some how I don't recall the book being this ...vivid! LOL!

Aaron Hines
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
Great stuff, thank you RJ!

Mnemonic
Re: My review of YOUR review!
+1000000

homo sapiens maximus
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
Lordy, that was beautiful! You have touched the very cockles of heart and aroused fiery passions in my bosom against this soul-fucking, emotionally abusive heap of literary sh*t.

This book was instrumental in destroying my Mom's sense of self-worth to the point that she tried to take her own life. When I discovered, years later, that she still owned a copy, I stole it, tore it up and recycled the shreds.

Fuck Kimball and fuck Mormonism for the lives they've ruined.

FYI, your review is going up on my Facebook page.

No Mo
Foisted!
Great word to apply to Moism, Runtu. I love that word. Thanks.
kimball
It's not his fault
That's what some of us Kimballs say about other Kimballs who are born into the family. Spencer was not an unusual Kimball, but unfortunately happened to spread the problems around to the rest of the church as well.
Raptor Jesus
Maybe if he struggled to the point of death, I'd believe you.

xyz
Re: Maybe if he struggled to the point of death, I'd believe you.
I would rather have seen Spencer chastely go to his glory in a plain wooden box than to have seen him not resist enough and to have produced this book.

judyblue
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
RJ, I totes want to do a little from pages 16, 29, and 112 with you. Maybe even some of page 47, provided we have a safe word.

kimball
Re: Maybe if he struggled to the point of death, I'd believe you.
It's the talk, not the action that is the problem with Kimballism. Kimballs talk big and tend to get carried away on tangents that are important to them for whatever reason, and tend to think very little about the full range of impact said talk will have on the people around them or even themselves. This talk also tends to regress into ludicrous extremes, both positive and negative. While it's awesome to be a Kimball who does something slightly positive, it sucks balls to be a Kimball who does something slightly negative. It's kind of neutral to be a Kimball who comes to the realization that it's all just talk.

rodolfo
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
I have dreamed a dream, and in that dream methought I beheld a reptile that was glorious beyond the brightness of the sun and beyond the shininess of the City Creek door handles, even the very LORD RAPTOR JESUS, who appeared beside me and anointed me a savior and messenger (I think it was lizard urine, but whatever) to go forth to the world and speak with a loud voice, commanding in the name of the LORD for the inhabitants of the world to repent and hear his voice!

Oh! the wonderful condescension of the LORD, for the LORD RAPTOR JESUS will speak his words to us LIVE and IN PERSON!

He bade me to gather the strong of mind and courageous of spirit to hear the words of the Holy Dromaeosaurid to be delivered to the righteous and brave at the One and Only Holy Council to be held in the fall! I invite all to partake: ALL ARISE!!

http://www.exmormonfoundation.org/conference2012.html

snb
Darn
I was hoping for some more dirt on Bigfoot.

foggy
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
I had to stop reading this 4 separate times and go back to doing boring and very non-entertaining things because people kept looking at me funny for bursting into giggles.

Can you upload this as a book review on amazon?

ambivalent exmo
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
I had NO idea that " crimes against nature" with farm animals existed...
till I was ordered to read this book.
Seriously.
Thanks for the heads up swk.
Just what a 12 year old girl needs to know....

Pil-Latté
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
Thanks for the breakdown of this book, but as good as it was, I'll pass on reading it. :)
Raptor Jesus
But it breaks down so thoroughly exactly why you are going to hell. 

Pil-Latté
If living the rules in Miracle of forgiveness
Guarantees spending an eternity with the author... I'd rather take my chances and be oblivious to the breakdown. ;)

Lost Mystic
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
That was amazing!!

You are my favorite writer :).

nickerickson
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
Evil, evil, evil me.......... thank whoever I'll be in hell with all these wonderful people here though..... just saying...
Raptor Jesus
That's a good point.
I only know the author through his words.

But those words paint a picture of someone terrible to be with in the eternities.

flyboy21
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
This review may just rival the amazon.com Three Wolf Moon t-shirt product review. But I don't want it going to your head, lest you begin resting on your laurels, O Lizardy Messiah.
Zounds
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
Methinks SWK did protest way too much. And along the way he revealed way more than he intended.

Where, for instance, did he get the idea that masturbation naturally leads to homosexuality? Was it through "first hand" experience? Almost every kid tries it. In his own experience did SWK's imaginary partner suddenly have a beard instead of B...s?

Instead of blaming himself, did he chicken out and blame masturbation?

Maybe there was an overpowering reason why he was so obsessed with forgiveness.

Raptor Jesus
Don't you dare blaspheme the three wolf moon review.
That was sacred text given on high from the gods above. That guy totally fasted and prayed for, like, a long ass time to write those inspired words.

snb
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
From a review:

"...I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women."

The Three Moon Wolf T-shirt has magical powers, I agree.

flyboy21
Re: Don't you dare blaspheme the three wolf moon review.
As you are a humble deity, you see blasphemy... but perhaps it is time to realize that now is the great day of your power. You are in different circles than the rest of us. That guy is now your god-people.
flyboy21
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
Scientists are still studying its powers.

suzanne
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
That was... one of the funniest things I think I have ever seen on here. Are you a writer? Your tongue in cheek humor is to be admired.

The Man in Black
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
RJ has a book on Amazon for digital download. He doesn't advertise it on the board. But it's 100+ pages like this post. Very funny stuff.

mrtranquility
But isn't that the whole premise of Christianity?
It raises your awareness of this "problem" you would never even have the slightest clue that you had if someone hadn't told you. But not to worry, cuz somebody's got the "solution" which at some point entails coughing up 10% of your gross income. It's the classic con man's game and SWK is just doing what he was trained to do.

ginger
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
Oh.My.Gawd! That was so damn funny!

Raptor Jesus
Most major religions are the solution to the problem you didnt know you had.
Sexuality

Happiness

Belonging

Eschatology

suzanne
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
Thanks! I am going to go put it on my kindle right now!
fidget
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
I haven't read it, but your review wants makes me want to get my hands on it so I can dissect it. Thanks for the breakdown RJ :)
SisterTwister
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
Your posts are too long. Sorry. I'm lazy.
docia
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
I have never read "The Miracle of Forgiveness" probably because there were piles of them in the Bishop's office, obviously to give out to those who "needed" them.

Don't need to read it now...Thanks RJ~laughed my ass off (and it was a pretty flat ass to begin with...)

emma
Re: Raptor Jesus re-reads the Miracle of Forgiveness.
Awesome post! This made my day. I finally put on my big panties and put our families copy of this where it belongs: in the trash after ripping the pages apart. I don't want to take the risk that some poor teenager gets ahold of it.

"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"